Fierce Hope

Searching for a hope that lasts beyond our worst fears

Photo by José León on Unsplash

Hope is fierce

Hope is a scar on the face

Pain mixed with purpose

Still sprouting flowers from the seeds of tears

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Before I begin this Advent series, you need to know that this essay was supposed to have been written last Sunday. I returned home from church last week, on the first Sunday of Advent, Hope Sunday, with a bounce in my step from the morning. My plan was to write first thing Monday morning. I woke up sick and felt off for the rest of the week and today is the first day I have felt myself again. Today is the second Sunday of Advent and as soon as I hit publish on this one, I will write my reflection on Advent Peace for today.

Let me take you back a few months. We moved from California in June and arrived here in Rochester, NY exactly five months ago from December 1st. I was part of a beautiful faith community called Resurrection in Ocean Beach for 18 months and I was so anxious and apprehensive about jumping back into a local church. From June of 2020 until May of 2024 I was not regularly attending a church due to a lot of spiritual trauma and hurt I had experienced along with my family.

You see, I spent more than 30 years working as a pastor and we spent 4 years as oversees missionaries in Rwanda. Over my pastoral career, I did every position possible in the church: Lead Pastor, Associate Pastor, Outreach & Discipleship Pastor, Music Pastor, Youth and Children’s Pastor. . It was my whole world. I had become so enmeshed in being a pastor that it was more than what I did, it was who I was. It took years of therapy for me to work through separating who I am from the work I do.

So when we moved to Rochester, I really dragged my feet about getting involved in a church. Over the last two months I have had two friends that have really encouraged me to face my fears and re-engage with a faith community. I am so thankful for Josh Hilburn pastor of Gather Houston who has been such a great source of solidarity and grace. Also, another friend, writer and speaker Becky Keife who gave me a word she had heard from God for me in November when we were on a retreat together with Pastors Priests & Guides. This is what she said to me,

“Who wins when you don’t engage?” - Becky Keife

This question completely cut through all of my built up anxiety and apprehension about becoming part of a church again. I realized that I was losing out on being part of a group of people that are on a spiritual journey and I was also keeping others from getting to know me as well.

Over the course of the first twenty minutes of the service, it was so refreshing to recite the liturgy of the Word together and sing together. When it was time for the sermon, the Rev. Lydia Arnts, who is becoming an ordained priest next week, began her sermon with these words.

Hope is Not a Bird, Emily, It’s a Sewer Rat

I was instantly attentive and sat forward in my seat and wanted to hear more. She said that the first Sunday of Advent was all about hope and there were two poems about hope she wanted to share with us. The first one was by Emily Dickinson and how hope is like a feather. It is a beautiful poem. Here it is for you to read:

Rev. Lydia said that for a lot of people, this poem does provide strength during hard times but there was a different poem that actually meant more to her and shows the fierce nature of hope. She said she actually related to a different poem that was a bit edgier. This poem was written by Caitlin Seida called, “Hope is Not a Bird, Emily, It’s a Sewer Rat.” I wanted to share it here so you can read it.

When she read this in church she edited the language a bit and said “patchy fur that’s seen some stuff” and “bites you in the shin” and said “swallowed pesticides like they were candy” which was probably a good idea.

One of my favorite sections of this poem is when Seida talks about how Hope thrives in the discards and survives in the ugliest parts of our world.

If this is not a perfect way to describe the world that Jesus was born into, nothing else is. First Century Judea was part of the Roman Empire. The people that were living in Judea were considered rejects and misfits in a backwater part of the empire. They only worshipped One God which was seen as foolish by the culture around them. They were the epitome of disgraced by Caesar in Rome. He had chosen a man who was half Jewish and half Roman to rule with an iron fist and he fulfilled that request. For a phenomenal essay that was recently written on King Herod, go to the Substack by my friend and pastor Rich Villodas

The themes of Advent - Hope, Peace, Joy and Love are rooted in the difficult and painful events that bring forth their goodness.

As the poet Robert Frost reminds us, “The only way out is through.”

I resonated with how she talks about the gritty characteristics of hope like persistence, optimism, joy and perseverance and how those things can be transmitted. These words of hers remind me of the passage from Romans that talks about how hope is cultivated through the hard and difficult seasons of life.

“We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Where can show perseverance this Advent season?

Who can you be joyful with this Advent season?

May you choose the path of fierce hope this year my friends.

Grace and Peace

Matt